when my husband knows what’s best/ following jesus is hard

 

I haven’t, historically, written much about my life on this blog before, but since many of you who read this (and aren’t just looking for pictures of tea) actually know me, I thought I’d give a snapshot of my week and the current skirmish in the overarching narrative of the universe there in.

I think a combination of hormones, the stress of an impending (unwanted) move, a lot of travel this summer, good old fashioned low-dopamine levels, and some other things that aren’t really the sort I discuss on the blog have conspired in my person and, thus, over the last week I was pretty depressed.  On Thursday, the gnome and I went to see a Bill Mallonee concert, and, afterward, I was feeling numb with a small twist of sadness and bitterness.  So after we dropped our great and amazing friend off, I thought we’d just go home.

Me: I’m tired. Let’s go home.
Gnome: There is no way in hell I’m taking you home. You are depressed. You need Chocolate. 

So we went to Dolce Vita, a gelatto bar, one of those trendy spots where the drinks and gellato are so yummy and overpriced, every one there is super hip and the baristas are sexually ambiguous.  I had dark chocolate gellato and a Dolce Vita coffee (coffee with bailys and fragelica), which we took to go, and then walked around one of the prettiest neighborhoods in Austin.

We ended up sitting in a parking lot and having a good talk about following Jesus.  I have a lot of friends who have walked away from the faith in the last few years and it has really been brutally painful to watch.  And I’m at this place that many of them came to where I’m having to make some choices that I don’t want to make in order to be faithful to Christ- places where it feels like death to follow the Way and I have to believe (by the miracle of faith alone) that what feels like death is life and what feels like life is like fool’s gold.  The gnome said that this may be the first time that following Jesus is costing me something.  If you saw my life, you’d think that that was crazy.  I’ve always tried to be “hard-core”, given stuff away, gone overseas, worked with poor folks, stayed a virgin until I was married (which wasn’t easy to do) and have been on staff at a few churches– I’m really grateful for these things in my life, but all of them were my choice.  I chose how to “sacrifice for Jesus” and I got the thrill of the fair amount of ridiculous self-righteousness that comes along with those choices.  But now I’m in a place where he is calling me to follow him in ways that I didn’t choose to, in ways that I wouldn’t choose to.  And he’s calling me to trust him when it is really hard to do so. He’s calling me to “sacrifice” my desires and trust him to fill up the holes that the sacrifice leaves in my heart. 
So I cried in the parking lot into my coffee.  And the gnome prayed for me.  This is the abundant life, but it isn’t always the dolce vita.  But I’m learning, that following Jesus only becomes real when it costs you what you don’t want to give up. 
And I’m still here, as John Bunyon would say, narrowly fleeing the “castle of doubt” but still a pilgrim on the path.    

Tags: Austin, Christianity, Jesus, marriage